Eunice leaves Ed after she catches him going into a massage parlor in "The Family"; an eccentric military hero does not want his latest commendation; and a Bicentennial salute to America's cities and towns. Nabors sings a medley of saloon songs, and duets "I Feel at Home with You" together with Carol.

Guest Sammy Davis Jr. plays a star returning to his hometown and encountering a childhood friend who is somewhat of a racist. Harvey and Tim do a sketch about an airline whose treatment of regular and no-frills passengers is radically different. Sammy appears in a Western skit as a deputy with hurt feelings after getting dumped by the Marshall. Sammy performs a medley of his old hits. The Caribbean-themed finale is a salute to composer Harold Arlen.

A husband has trouble deciding between his glamorous wife and his homely mistress in "The Not So Eternal Triangle"; the 9th Annual "Carol Burnett Show" Awards for the most unforgettable commercials of the year; in "As the Stomach Turns", Cher is the town's half-breed and Tim is the town's beautician; two classical pianists (Harvey and Tim) prepare for a duet; guest Cher sings "Just This One Time" and duets with Carol on "Variety"; for the finale, a spoof of '70s rock music.

Carol and guest Shirley MacLaine sing about the problems with fan mail, and play little-league mothers who argue with the team's coach; in "The Family", Eunice and Ed recall via flashbacks when they were dating; a hollow palace guard (Tim) refuses to let the King and Queen (Harvey, Carol) in without a password; Harvey and Tim team for "200 Years Ago Today," a spoof of the Bicentennial spots then airing constantly during commercial breaks.

Guest Bernadette Peters sings and dances to "He's the Wizard"; two nurses refuse to aid a snake-bite victim unless an overbearing doctor apologizes; a housewife (Carol) recounts her most traumatic childhood experience to a psychiatrist (Harvey); a timid mugging victim tries to report the incident to a tough police sergeant; and for the close, a salute to the music of Irving Berlin.

Carol plays a queen who attempts to christen a ship in honor of a hollow hero with his girlfriend in attendance; ham actress Mundane finds out about husband Funt's affair with another actress just as they're about to go on stage; Vicki sings "The Other Woman"; a sewer shark in a parody of "Jaws"; and a salute to Alan Jay Lerner.

The Pointer Sisters sing "How Long", perform with Korman in a disc-jockey comedy sketch, and team up with Miss Burnett and Miss Lawrence for an all-girl musical number, "Get Me to the Church on Time". Other comedy highlights include Miss Burnett as a romantic dropout telling her troubles to a bartender (Korman) who would rather dwell on his own problems; Mickey Hart (Tim) joins "The Family" for a game of charades; Carol and Tim in a silent sketch as a hungry couple.

Vicki and Tim perform a musical comedy routine to the tune of "For Once in My Life"; Carol and Roddy perform a tongue-twisting number that leads into "Moses Supposes", then play a bickering couple who work at an assembly line; Harvey and Tim as truck drivers dealing with divorce; and a spoof of "The Little Foxes" with Carol in the Bette Davis role and Roddy in the role of the invalid whom she's plotting to kill.

Guest Helen Reddy sings "Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady", joins the cast in a series of musical blackouts, and participates in a sketch about an extramarital affair endangered by a surprise call on a futuristic TV phone. Also: a woman struggles with so-called "easy openers" on household appliances; fortune cookie messages start a battle between friends; and a French marine explorer sends his assistant out on a hunt for a deadly white squid.

Guest Maggie Smith gives Carol a musical lesson in talking with a Cockney accent, and then appears in "The Family" sketch as a teacher concerned about Bubba, the academically challenged son of Eunice and Ed. In other skits, a consumer protection official doesn't notice that his own kitchen is crumbling around him; and Tim as the world's oldest living doctor, attempts to make a house call. The big "Show Biz" finale includes such tunes as "Comedy Tonight," "Be a Clown," "Let Met Entertain You" and "There's No Business Like Show Business."

Eunice's snooty sister Ellen (guest Betty White) comes for a visit for Mama's birthday in "The Family"; a bug wreaks havoc on a second honeymoon; a German car salesmen get pointers in pushing sales; and a salute to marching bands, with a performance by the Locke High School Band of Los Angeles.

Comedy sketches include "The Noisy Speech," with Harvey Korman trying to overcome the noise made by his friend (Tim Conway), and "Miss Nobody," with Carol as a meek woman having lunch with her friend (Vicki Lawrence). The Pointer Sisters sing "Save the Bones for Henry Jones," returning for a rock retelling of the Cinderella story.

Guest Eydie Gorme plays a hospitalized TV star with Carol as Stella Toddler for an old lady roommate. There's also a mini-musical revolving around the music of Richard Rodgers. In other skits, Carol is a plant shop owner with Tim Conway as a customer who wants to return a plant that hates him; spoofs of TV commercials; and a foppish prince tries to torture a woman into marrying him. Gorme sings "As Time Goes By".

Miss Walter sings "Could It Be Magic?", and then joins the entire cast in a musical salute to lyricist Dorothy Fields. In another visit to "The Family", Eunice and Ed take Mama to her sister's funeral. In other comedy sketches, Korman and Conway portray turn-of-the-century Russian and Japanese diplomats negotiating a peace treaty; and Korman and Miss Walter skillfully lie about how they park their cars.

Steve plays a slick city detective; a takeoff on "Laura" with Carol as Gene Tierney; Tim as the oldest living shoe salesman; a salute to Sammy Cahn with hits such as "My Kind of Town", "The Tender Trap" and "Call Me Irresponsible".

Guest Rita Moreno sings "Some Cats Know", plays an accident causing nurse to formerly accident-prone Carol, and teams with Carol and Vicki Lawrence as waitresses in the song-and-dance finale "There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This". Tim and Harvey in the military "Dishonorable Discharge" sketch. Tim returns as the Hollow Hero, a palace guard with no insides since swallowing a live grenade. This time, the Princess (Vicki) wants to marry him.

A salute to Universal Studios with parodies of such films as "Freud" and "Rooster Cogburn"; Carol as an old-fashioned woman; Mr. Tudball (Tim) has a time teaching Mrs. Wiggins (Carol) how to use the office's new intercom system; guest Steve Lawrence sings "In the Still of the Night"; a woman (Carol) is driven crazy by riddles; and for the close, a salute to Glenn Miller.

A spoof of "A Stolen Life", a movie about twins, one naughty, one nice; a political sketch with Harvey as a senator, Carol as his unpredictable wife, and Tim as his campaign manager; guests The Jackson Five perform "Forever Came Today", and are joined by Vicki on "Body Language"; and Carol as the Charwoman in a three-ring circus, pantomiming with guest Emmett Kelly and singing "It's Only a Paper Moon" and "Look for the Silver Lining".

A female clown gives Carol a doctorate in Clown Humanities during the open; Carol plays a deranged bag lady who feeds pigeons in the park "for peace"; guests The Pointer Sisters perform "That's A-Plenty"; a robber sneaks into a hospital demanding treatment at gunpoint; Carol, Vicki and the Pointers perform a medley of "Fats" Waller songs; Tim plays a pharmacist who has problems filling a prescription; and for the close, a musical number with the lyrics consisting of the Declaration of Independence.

In another installment of "The Family", Ed, Eunice and Mama go to a fancy restaurant on a free pass. In other skits, Carol plays Mrs. Wiggins, Tim Conway's inefficient secretary; and Harvey Korman is at the DMV with Vicki Lawrence as a very efficient clerk. The finale is a musical western.

Guest Joanne Woodward plays an old school chum of Eunice's in "The Family"; a wealthy couple (Vicki, Harvey) have an argument through their servants (Carol, Tim); Mr. Tudball again has a time teaching his secretary Mrs. Wiggins the workings of the office intercom; two wallflowers (Carol, Joanne) at a dance sing "Let's Be Buddies" and "Why Can't I?"; and for the finale, Carol, Vicki and Joanne perform "Everything Old Is New Again", wearing turn-of-the-century dresses and sun hats.

A traveling encyclopedia salesman (guest Dick Van Dyke) tries to peddle his wares at the home of a bickering couple (Carol, Harvey); guest Tony Randall performs "Madeira, M'Dear?"; two men (Tony, Dick) argue over a $10 loan while on vacation in Hawaii; Dick performs "Ballin' the Jack" with the dancers; a couple (Carol, Tony) have an argument over body signals; and a mini-musical based on the lyrics of Ira Gershwin.

A new employee is welcomed to an extremely cramped office; in a battle-of-the-sexes duet, Jack and Carol sing "Where Were You?"; Jack Klugman plays a skeptic in a sketch about an amateur clairvoyant; a clumsy cat burglar (Tim) tries to steal the world's largest diamond; for the finale the cast performs "The Country's in the Very Best of Hands", with Jack playing a southern politician on the campaign trail.

Ed takes flak from Eunice and Mama after he tries to sneak his assistant along on a business trip to Chicago in "The Family"; Mr. Tudball attempts to surprise Mrs. Wiggins on her birthday; a married couple takes to pinpointing each other's physical defects; and the dancers perform to "Baby Face" dressed in children's clothing.